This blog entry has been rolling around in my head for a couple of weeks, so I thought it might be time to write it out. I am hoping that other women can relate to this one and I am not just totally off my rocker. My issue is this...at 36 years old, I am still not really sure I like myself. I am constantly questioning myself, my talents, my abilities, my looks, my weight...well, you get the idea. I feel like I am always comparing myself to other women, especially other mothers. I look at qualities or abilities that other ladies have, and quite honestly, they just make me feel bad about myself. Let me give you some examples.
When I talk to someone who bakes a lot for their children, I feel bad each time I open a granola bar for Reagan's breakfast or the boxed pizza for supper. I certainly cook for my family but I don't "bake" 3 meals a day. As I speak to some serious "bakers", I feel like I don't measure up.
When I talk to someone who feeds their family ALL organic foods, I feel like I am poisoning my family when I do not. I have read about and believe in all organic foods, but the expense of going that route is too high on a one income budget.
When I see a mom with little ones who is in great shape, I think I have got to get back in shape, not that I was ever incredibly fit before pregnancy. So I start trying to work in exercise into my already hectic day. (This happened yesterday and I got out and walked.....all of 15 minutes...aren't you proud of me? Of course, I was carrying an additional 15 pounds in a baby sling, so I am sure that was really like walking 30 minutes, right?)
When I see a mom who is tan, has a beautiful complexion, cute haircut, WHITE and straight teeth, I start thinking that I have got to start taking better care of my body on the outside. Ya know, spend more time grooming myself, even though right now, a 10 minute shower is like an act of Congress.
When I talk to a mom who fills her day with wonderful arts and craft activities for her children, I start to look on-line for step-by-step activities that I might can do with Reagan. I certainly want her to be well-rounded and if that means cutting and pasting, let's go!
When I see a mom who is actively engaged in ministry, I start thinking I am not doing enough for the Lord. I start praying for a bigger ministry or for God to just help me get it together so I can be more involved at church, knowing that my main ministry is right here in my own home, meeting the needs of my husband and raising 2 girls who will LOVE the Lord.
This is not the end of my list, but surely you get the idea.
Why do I still struggle with this and when will it stop? Maybe when I turn 40, I will finally have complete confidence in myself and my abilities....or at the very least, figure out what my abilities are.
I know all the verses that speak of God's great love for me. I know that I am loved, accepted, blessed, chosen, forgiven, redeemed, adopted into God's family, and lavished with grace and mercy. But, knowing these things in my head and having them take hold of my heart are apparently two totally different things.
I love the verse my older sister shared in her blog not too long ago......
"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save, He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you by His love, He will exult over you with loud singing."
Isn't that a beautiful verse? I pray every day that I will really start to process that truth, that God rejoices over me with gladness (really?), that God will quiet me with His love (my insecurities need to be silenced), that He will exult over me with loud singing (amazing).
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