I think one of the most frustrating things about being a mom is the loss of any time for yourself. I love to read and I love Bible study. I remember the mornings before children...I could easily spend 2 hours doing on-line Beth Moore studies, etc. I had a great prayer time and felt ready to conquer the day. I love my girls, but man, I miss that so much.
I have really been struggling with having a "meaty" quiet time. Not only for myself, and my family, but the college girls I teach as well. I want to be able to give to them out of the overflow of my own heart. I want them to see a passion in me for God and His word, not a worn out mommy! You'll remember that I determined to start getting up at 5:00am to get my quiet time in.....NOT because I felt like I had to do it and check it off my to-do list, but because I truly desire that time with God. Well, this week, both of my kids have decided to start getting up earlier. Reagan has been consistently getting up before 6:30 and Gracen was up at 6:00 yesterday and 5:20 today.......5:20.....are you kidding me? It is like I have a radar on me and when my feet hit the floor, they know it. Well, I cannot get up before 5:00am, so I am frustrated. I want God in his sovereignty and His unlimited power to make my kids sleep. Is that too much to ask, really?
I think I just feel a little "dry" because of the season of mothering that I am in. I have missed the last 3 or 4 worship services or at least most of them because I am in the breastfeeding room nursing Gracen, and even in my own car, I miss singing along with my praise and worship music because Reagan is listening to a CD or watching a movie or just talking.....not to mention when Gracen starts to cry.
This morning after dropping Reagan off for preschool, Gracen fell asleep in the car and I dug out one of my old Jeremy Camp CD's. I started listening to the words as I drove home. I couldn't help but sing and as I did, my eyes just filled up with tears. Read the words below:
As I stand here in your presence
Of Your beauty I will always stand in awe
I reach my hands out to the heavens
And I lift my voice to You alone
As I bow my head before You
I lay my burdens down at your nail pierced feet
Every ounce of you radiates Your glory
With You I know that I am complete
And I sing, Hallelujah, You are my God, Maker of the heavens
Hallelujah, You are my Lord
I bow before your presence
There are a few more verses, but they are repetitive in nature, so I think you get the idea.
Let me stress that I am so thankful I am a mother after 10 years of desperately wanting a baby. Before children, the house was so quiet, too quiet really. But now, I am trying to figure out how to balance it all and still have those quiet moments with God.
Psalm 42:1 "As the deer pants for the water brooks, So my soul pants for You, O God."
I am discovering the true meaning of this verse. The deer depends on water and so I must depend on God. I am thirsty and can't seem to fill my cup. I need some encouragement from other mothers. How did you survive during the season with little ones?
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