I am about 6 chapters into my new book by Beth Moore called So Long Insecurity. It has already been such an interesting read. Of course, I know it needs to be more than interesting. It needs to be life changing. I honestly feel like I already need a new highlighter because I am underlining the entire book. It is that good! Of course, most of Beth Moore's stuff is that good.
I have joined an online discussion group at http://www.lpm.org/ (Beth's website) and we are suppose to answer two questions about our assigned reading each Thursday so I guess I will post some of the answers here on Thursday or maybe Friday of each week as well,....if I can. I can already see how this little ride could get quite personal. But, oh well...for today I am forging ahead.
*Just for the record, when I use ....... that means that I am not quite sure what to do with the punctuation. Do I use a comma or a period or a semi-colon? I am not sure so.......
Yes, I realize I used to teach Language Arts and Writing to 4th graders, but it has been almost 6 years since I was a teacher, and apparently the saying "Use it or lose it" is completely true. I cannot remember most of my grammar rules.
Back to the book
In Chapter 3, I am suppose to talk about my prominent false positive. The one thing that I tend to associate most with security. Beth gave a lot of examples such as a large bank account, a large house, beauty/body image, popularity, prestige, job security, a spouse (if your single), a child ( if you are infertile), etc. What is the one thing that I obsess over, that I think would make me more complete?
Honestly, I could think of several things I would like to have or become, but the one thing that really stands out for me is beauty and body image. I think I have always struggled with keeping my weight down. I was chubby as a child and really through most of Jr. High and High school. Both of my sisters were always thin, as well as all my cousins, and I never felt like I measured up physically. I can remember being on diet after diet and setting weight loss goals and being weighed by my mom once a week. I wanted to measure up to those around me, to those who seemed to have it all together.
I can remember trying out for the cheer leading squad in Jr. High school and not making it. I was devastated and related that loss back to my body image. I can remember liking certain guys and those feelings not being reciprocated or wanting to be a part of the cool crowd and remaining on the outside. All of those things affected my self image.
I brought this into my marriage. I am always comparing myself to other women, sometimes changing clothes 10 times before I go somewhere, always asking Gene if I look alright. In our 14 years of marriage, I have been a size 14 and I have been a size 6. I honestly wasn't truly happy with myself at either size, or any size in between. I wrap up in a robe or a towel as soon as I step out of the shower, never walk around the house in something "skimpy" or heaven forbid, in the nude, and I don't even walk around a pool in my bathing suit. I will take off my cover-up at the side of the pool and get in and then put it back on as soon as I get out. All of this was true when I was a size 6 and relatively thin. I don't know how small I would have to be to actually feel comfortable in my skin.
I also have crooked front teeth and they make me very self-conscious. I hate meeting new people because I feel like they are staring at my teeth. I don't smile all that big or at least not for long. I think about getting braces every single day, but on one income such a cosmetic thing feels like such a luxury. The money for braces always needs to go somewhere else, or so it seems.
I also have terrible skin. I have age spots, dark spots, or sun spots...whatever you want to call them. I freckle easily. My face will break out, still, at 36 years old.
All of these things together add up to low self image, even though I don't really think I come across that way.
So, long story short, I guess if was runway beautiful, I would be more secure. According to Beth, the answer to that is No! She says that improving my appearance can make me feel better about myself and arguably improve some quality of life, but it still won't heal my insecurity. The more I think it will, the more I am setting myself up for more insecurity. It is a trap to place my security in any earthly thing. I can attain what I am after....a thin, well built body, straight, white teeth, clear skin....all for the right amount of exercise, healthy eating, and money...but then I would have to work like heck to keep it. It would be exhausting to keep up. Security in any earthly thing simply cannot be sustained. How true is that statement?
My challenge from the end of Chapter 3 is this: To let the healthy, utterly whole, and completely secure part of us increasingly overtake our earthen vessels until it drives our every emotion, reaction, and relationship. When we allow God's truth to eclipse every false positive and let our eyes spring open to the treasure we have, there in His glorious reflection we'll also see the treasure we are. And the beauty of the Lord our God will be upon us (Psalm 90:17)
Well, I still have another question to answer for Chapter 4, but that post took a lot out of me, so I will have to answer the next one tomorrow.
Oh, if any one would like to share their prominent false positive, I would love to hear it.
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