Just Liking Me- Part 2

Well, these thoughts are sort of a continuation of my last blog entry, so if you didn't read it, go back and do so, so you will know what I am talking about.

Yesterday, I set my mind to achieving all the areas that I feel like I am lacking...just to see if I would like myself better. I "baked" Reagan's breakfast, making Oatmeal Raisin bars, a recipe a got from Amy Kelley (thanks Amy). They were really good but Reagan didn't want them for breakfast. When I handed her the fresh from the oven bar, she looked at it a little funny, but took it anyway. She took one bite and said, "Yummy, but can I have my chocolate granola bar for breakfast?" So I handed her the "out of wrapper" breakfast, not one made with love. Of course the granola bar was organic....that makes it better right? Check.

I walked again and did some random exercises in the house, so I got to mark getting back into shape off of my list. Check.

I had a great quiet time yesterday morning, getting up early enough to read and study the Bible and pray. Check .

I worked on my DT lesson during the girls' nap time and encouraged a few with some comments on Facebook. This would fall under trying to expand my ministry. Check.

I sat down with Reagan and Gracen and read several books to them and then when Gracen went to sleep, Reagan and I had a art session. We painted pictures of flowers and pumpkins and then made torn paper pumpkins using glue. Reagan wanted to cut out some pieces of different colored construction paper and glue them into a collage of sorts. So, we cut and pasted....well-rounded Mom, right. Check, check.

I took a shower and tried to make myself look presentable, covering the "grooming my outside" issue. Check. Check. Check.

Did all these things make me feel better. Did I like myself more? Did I feel more complete as a person? Did I feel like a better mom? Not really. I was just really tired when I went to bed.

God is not going to allow my self worth to come from anything other than Him.

Satan loves it when I get into a complete funk, when I get down on my self, when I lose my joy. It is his daily goal to use my everyday experiences, both big and small, to cripple my true identity in Christ. If he can cripple my identity, then I become useless for the kingdom of Christ. Satan delights in my feelings of inadequacy and I do not want him to win. So today, I will continue to pray against the feelings that I am not good enough at anything. Today I will choose to be joyful about everything that is going on in my life, the good and the bad. Today, I will separate my shortcomings from my identity and let Jesus be the only measure of my worth.

Just Liking Me

This blog entry has been rolling around in my head for a couple of weeks, so I thought it might be time to write it out. I am hoping that other women can relate to this one and I am not just totally off my rocker. My issue is this...at 36 years old, I am still not really sure I like myself. I am constantly questioning myself, my talents, my abilities, my looks, my weight...well, you get the idea. I feel like I am always comparing myself to other women, especially other mothers. I look at qualities or abilities that other ladies have, and quite honestly, they just make me feel bad about myself. Let me give you some examples.

When I talk to someone who bakes a lot for their children, I feel bad each time I open a granola bar for Reagan's breakfast or the boxed pizza for supper. I certainly cook for my family but I don't "bake" 3 meals a day. As I speak to some serious "bakers", I feel like I don't measure up.

When I talk to someone who feeds their family ALL organic foods, I feel like I am poisoning my family when I do not. I have read about and believe in all organic foods, but the expense of going that route is too high on a one income budget.

When I see a mom with little ones who is in great shape, I think I have got to get back in shape, not that I was ever incredibly fit before pregnancy. So I start trying to work in exercise into my already hectic day. (This happened yesterday and I got out and walked.....all of 15 minutes...aren't you proud of me? Of course, I was carrying an additional 15 pounds in a baby sling, so I am sure that was really like walking 30 minutes, right?)

When I see a mom who is tan, has a beautiful complexion, cute haircut, WHITE and straight teeth, I start thinking that I have got to start taking better care of my body on the outside. Ya know, spend more time grooming myself, even though right now, a 10 minute shower is like an act of Congress.

When I talk to a mom who fills her day with wonderful arts and craft activities for her children, I start to look on-line for step-by-step activities that I might can do with Reagan. I certainly want her to be well-rounded and if that means cutting and pasting, let's go!

When I see a mom who is actively engaged in ministry, I start thinking I am not doing enough for the Lord. I start praying for a bigger ministry or for God to just help me get it together so I can be more involved at church, knowing that my main ministry is right here in my own home, meeting the needs of my husband and raising 2 girls who will LOVE the Lord.

This is not the end of my list, but surely you get the idea.

Why do I still struggle with this and when will it stop? Maybe when I turn 40, I will finally have complete confidence in myself and my abilities....or at the very least, figure out what my abilities are.

I know all the verses that speak of God's great love for me. I know that I am loved, accepted, blessed, chosen, forgiven, redeemed, adopted into God's family, and lavished with grace and mercy. But, knowing these things in my head and having them take hold of my heart are apparently two totally different things.

I love the verse my older sister shared in her blog not too long ago......
Zephaniah 3:17
"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save, He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you by His love, He will exult over you with loud singing."
Isn't that a beautiful verse? I pray every day that I will really start to process that truth, that God rejoices over me with gladness (really?), that God will quiet me with His love (my insecurities need to be silenced), that He will exult over me with loud singing (amazing).

My Perspective

I go back and forth between feeling totally blessed with my family and being able to stay home with my children, to feelings of complete frustration with the inability to get everything done, being everything to all people, and not being able to find a quiet moment for myself. Well, this weekend I was reading something by Lysa Terkeurst, the president of Proverbs 31 Ministries, and it really gave me a new perspective, so I thought I would share it here.

Lysa went on a mission trip to Ecuador with a team from Compassion International and she got to spend time with a woman who lives in a shanty carved into a mountainside on the outskirts of Quito. She had to climb a handmade ladder that swayed and creaked as she ascended into a dark cavern the lady called home. The floors were dirt. The walls were rock. There were two rooms--a small kitchen and a bedroom. In the kitchen was a fire pit, a few shelves, and a small table. Off to one side were large broken down cardboard boxes used to repair holes in the ceiling and the walls. Off to the other side was a small cot where two of her 5 children slept. In the bedroom were 2 more cots, two chests, and a rough-hewn piece of furniture that served as a dresser. She and her husband slept in one of the cots; her other 3 children in a cot right next to them. These cots were meant for one person.

Lysa said she listened quietly as this woman told her about her life (through an interpreter). Every day she gets up at 4:30 a.m. to make breakfast over an open flame. Her husband leaves at 5:00 a.m. hoping to find work. Once he's gone, she wakes her children to get them ready for school. It is a BIG sacrifice to send her children to school, but she wants a better life for them, and sees education as a key component. She spends the better part of her day walking to and from the market. There is no way to refrigerate food so what little they have must be purchased each day. Once a week, she carries her family's clothes several miles to the village washing hole. After cleaning the clothes she must make the back-breaking return journey up the mountain, carrying the now-wet and heavy load.

When Lysa asked this woman how she could pray for her, she teared up. These were not tears asking for pity or even asking for a handout, but tears out of honest concern for her family. Her request was this: "Please pray for my husband to come to know Jesus and for him to have work. And pray for me to continue to have the strength I need to serve my family."

Lysa was amazed at this woman's request...and frankly I am too. I would have asked for God to make things easier, change my circumstances, rescue me from the pit, etc. Instead she prayed simply for God's provision in the midst of her circumstances with a kind and peaceful countenance.

Our frustrations here in America are a little different. Heaven forbid Starbucks doesn't make my coffee the right temperature. And, oh the crying shame of having such a long list of errands. I mean, what a pain to have to drive down the street, push a cart, go through the mental strain of meal planning on the fly, come home, unload all the stuff, and then figure out what to cook from my overflowing pantry and refrigerator. And let's not forget the never-ending sorting, stain management, washing, drying, folding, and putting away of laundry. Putting away all those clothes in dressers that have to be dusted in rooms that have to be organized with floors that have to be vacuumed--it's just exhausting sometimes.

I want to be thankful everyday. I don't want to go back and forth in my emotions. I want to realize how blessed I am to have running water and electricity, for the blessings of towels and sheets and clothing, for a car that will carry me wherever I want to go, for money to buy what my family needs, for a refrigerator to store it all in, for healthy kids, for the privilege to hear them call me Mommy, for a husband that has a job and loves me unconditionally. My thankfulness list could go on and on.

Some days I would rather grumble and complain, and probably, in just a matter of days, my blog will be another "Woe is Me" story. But for today, hearing about this stay-at-home mom from Ecuador has been good for me. It has helped put things in perspective. On my worst days, things really aren't that bad.

Lord, help me to appreciate everything that I have in my life and to remember that all things come from your hand. Help me to be a person who is thankful and a person who offers You praise on a daily basis, for the good and the bad.


Taken from Lysa Terkeurst's book Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl

My Bad Attitude

(Yes, I changed my blog background again. I cannot make up my mind.)

I just want to confess that yesterday I was in a really bad mood. I didn't fly off the handle at husband, yell at my kids, or knock a hole in the sheet rock or anything like that, but I really wasn't a happy girl. The smallest things were irritating me. Anybody been there? The week started with a sick child. Need I say more. I am thankful that Gracen is on the mend, but it has been a difficult and draining week, meeting the needs of my family, plus the needs of one clingy baby.

On Wednesday night, Gracen went to sleep at 10:00, two hours past her regular bedtime, and woke up at 12:20. "Ugh!" I thought to myself, when I heard her cries over the monitor. I gave her a few more minutes and thought, "Surely, she will just go back to sleep." She didn't. Not only did she not go back to sleep, she was wide awake until 4:30am. That is not a misprint. I thought I was going to die. I finally drifted off to sleep about 5:00am, after asking God to please let my children sleep until lunch. No such luck! Ask and you shall receive didn't work with that prayer. Reagan tapped me on the cheek at 7:00am, with a cheery, "Good morning, Momma." I really wanted to roll over and ask her what was so good about it. I kept my mouth shut though. It wasn't her fault I was up all night.

Gene is off on Thursday, but had a funeral to go to. A friend's grandmother had passed away so I decided that I needed to go as well. Remember, I didn't even want to get out of bed, much less get myself and two girls ready for a funeral. I also really needed to buy groceries....not fun on a full night's sleep. I was supposed to do this on Monday, the day I had to take Gracen to the doctor, so we were fighting over 3 pieces of bread to make lunch with. The day basically went downhill from here.

At about 4:00, I told Gene I was about to blow a gasket. My chest hurt from anxiety and Reagan's voice was really getting on my nerves. Gene decided it might be a good idea to get out of the house. I was thinking how nice it would be to go out to eat without the kids, but with no babysitters in sight, we loaded them up and headed to Logan's Roadhouse. I must say, we had a really good time. As soon as I started cracking those peanuts at the table, I felt my stress melting away. Dinner was good, and the conversation was even better. Reagan had never been in Logan's and loved it. She was really impressed with the loud music and the peanuts on the floor. Watching her joy made me joyful.

We have all had days we wish we could do over. I know that even in those days God wants my joy to be full. He wants me to focus on all the good things that I have in my life. He wants me to focus on Him. He wants me to come to Him and unload my burdens. Yesterday, it never occurred to me to stop and pray or to go and get my Bible out and let God speak to me. It never occurred to me to praise God, despite how I felt, knowing God inhabits the praises of His people.
Praise is the key that releases God's character back into even the ugliest of attitudes and darkest of situations. Where there is praise, God's presence can be felt and his presence brings the fruit of his character....love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23). I needed all of those.

Satan delights in our anxiety, anger, and frustration, and would love to keep darkness drawn over our hearts and minds. He breeds within our dark ugliness all that is opposite of God's character...hate, despair, fear, impatience, rudeness, self-centeredness, self-reliance, harshness, and acting out of control. But as soon as we praise God, Satan flees. Praise pulls back the dark curtain and breathes fresh life into a weak and weary soul.

Logan's definitely made me feel better, but what I really needed was time with Jesus. So today, even though my to-do list is long and my energy is low, I will rejoice in the Lord and be joyful in God my Savior.

Quick Update

I just wanted to let everyone know that Gracen is doing a lot better today. The doctor called us yesterday afternoon and she has a kidney infection. She started her antibiotic last night and today she seems like she feels a lot better. She is smiling and her eyes are bright again. She still doesn't have any fever so hopefully the medicine will knock this out. I pray that she doesn't have reoccurring infections. This will lead to more tests and no child should have to go through that.

I cannot help but think about all the children that are affected with cancer or some other life altering disease. Heartbreaking. As I think back to Monday and all that Gracen had to endure, I cannot imagine how horrendous it would be to have to go through that each week or each month for months or years at a time. As a mom, my heart would break during each and every treatment. Treatments you know are necessary, but treatments you wish you could skip all together. On Monday, I just wanted to scoop little Gracen off the table and run out of the office. I wanted to protect her from all the pain she was feeling. I would have taken her place in a second, no hesitations.

I am thanking God today for his provision and his grace and also renewing my commitment to pray for my children and their health each and every day. I don't just want to cry out to God when I need Him, but I also want to be in a continually state of praise and thanksgiving when things are going well.

Sick Little Angel

Well, as many of you know, Gracen has been sick for several days now. A fever developed Saturday morning and persisted through Monday. She threw up Sunday night and was really sleepy the entire weekend. We called the doctor on Monday morning and of course, they wanted to see her, for what I thought would be a routine visit. The nurse started the day with a heel prick to get some blood and from that sample, the doc discovered that her white blood cells were really high, too high for a 5 month old. This set off a whole series of tests that I was not prepared for in my mind or spirit. The doctor decided to do a urine test and more blood work. Getting blood from her little arms was a nightmare of epic proportions. It took 3 different nurses to hold her down as they went from arm to arm because her little veins continue to roll out from under the needle. She was screaming at the top of her lungs and I was literally ready to punch one of the nurses. (godly attitude right) After about 25 minutes, the nurses said I would need to take her to a hospital lab so "professionals" could get this blood. I quickly told them no, that I wanted pediatric nurses to do this, nurses who were used to working with infants. They said they would try one more time with me holding her, so I immediately starting praying and the nurse was successful on her last attempt. By this time, we had been in the office for over 2 hours and Gracen was hungry, ill, and drenched in sweat from her fever and crying. It took me about 35 minutes to get her to calm her down.

The nurses attached a bag to her under her diaper to catch urine and told me we were all going to break for lunch and resume later. "Excuse me....resume what?" Little did I know that they were sending us for chest x-rays, and then bringing us back to the office for a catheter, if she didn't tee tee enough in the bag, and possibly more blood work. Can anyone say, "Gene DeVaughn, you- better- get- down- here- quick- because- I- can't- handle- one- more- single- test." He came and luckily she did go enough in the bag, more blood work was not necessary, and Gene was able to hold her during the x-ray so she didn't seem to mind too much. Right before we headed home, Gracen was given an antibiotic shot that was very thick and the nurse said would hurt (great). We were told that if the shot didn't lower her fever and make her feel a lot better by the morning, she would need to be hospitalized to be given fluids and antibiotics by IV .

Well, so far so good. She woke up this morning cool as a cucumber and a little of her personality seems to be back. It is about 2:00 in the afternoon as I type this and she is still fever free. I hope this isn't the calm before the storm....(yes, this is my worry nature coming out). I know that many prayers were lifted up for her and I certainly believe in the power of prayer. This morning on Face Book I had 29 people saying that they had been praying for Gracen, some off and on through the night, as they were unable to sleep. Amazing that people love us enough to lift us up to God's throne.

The doctor said it was unusual for her white blood count to be so high and for such a small baby to have such an infection so she could have some kidney or bladder issues. We are still waiting on a few tests to come back so please continue to pray. We aren't sure yet if we are dealing with just a kidney infection or the signs of something more.

I was struck with such fear yesterday and it made me realize how important my relationship with God is and how important my quiet time is. God knows what is coming ahead of us and as we spend time in His word and in prayer, He prepares us to deal with each and every event. Even though the tears were rolling and I wanted my husband with me, I knew in my heart God was (and is) in control of this situation. He stands in my yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He knows things and sees things for which I need to be prepared. He will give me the exact instruction and comfort I need to handle all He sees coming my way.

Movie Night

On Friday night, Gene borrowed some equipment from the church and set up a huge "movie screen" on our back patio. We had the college students coming over for a fellowship and with the first cold snap, we thought it would be fun to snoodle up outside. I was certainly ready for some hot chocolate and s'mores. I was even ready to get into a cozy sweatshirt and pull the ole jacket out. (Don't you just love fall? ) We decided to watch the Little Mermaid with Reagan before the college students started arriving, and Reagan had a blast. She thought this was the absolute best thing since sliced bread. She sang all the songs and danced right there on the patio.

Ariel, larger than life...what could be better? I wish I had sound on my blog so you could hear her singing Ariel's song. So precious!

These are some shots of the college students once we started their movie. I wish I had taken some pictures of the line in front of one coffee pot or shots of everyone makes s'mores in front of the fire pit, but I didn't. Oh well.

Gracen even got to come outside for a while. She didn't know what to think about the large screen or the cold air. She had a very serious expression on her face the entire time. We couldn't get that child to smile for anything, and she fell asleep on the swing in her Daddy's arms a little while after this picture. Come to find out, she was sick. Saturday morning she woke up with fever. I am sure the cold air didn't exactly help what had already started in her system. But, I didn't know! I guess we will be in the doctor's office Monday morning. Hello, $30.00 copay... just to tell me to take some Tylenol, which I am already doing. I guess the $30.00 is for my peace of mind, small price to pay, really.

Reagan wanted to get in the picture too. I love just hanging out at home with the family and of course, friends. I wish every Friday night could be just as nice.